longhouse of love

after a few days in kuching, we booked a trip to spend the night in an iban longhouse, in the middle of the rain forest. we were a little nervous about it, but figured it would be one of those memorable experiences that make a trip worthwhile. so we went.

rosli, our guide, showed up at 9am with a van with very bad suspension. he was nice enough, but was not very talkative, and i couldn't understand a word he said, partly because i was sitting right behind him, and partly because he had a marblemouth. we stopped twice on the 5 hour trip--once in serian, to pick up some food for dinner (tim and i just wandered around) and once at some rest stop to get lunch, which was unremarkable except for the wild ferns we ate, which were delish! we bought some cookies in serian, b/c the tour office had told us to bring them for the kids, but rosli said no, so we bought some notebooks and pencils at the rest stop.

i fell asleep soon after lunch, but woke up pretty close to the river, when we stopped to pick up some locals. we drove them down the road to what looked like a bus stop, and then dropped them off. they were very nice, but i had no idea what was going on at the time. it appears this is how the iban people get around--not quite hitchhiking, but not traveling under their own steam either.

we drove down to the river and when we got outside, it was about a billion degrees, and since it was rain forest, i shall let you imagine the humidity on your own. tim and i hauled our billion-pound bags down to the river, where a loooooong blue wooden boat awaited us. our 'driver' was a 15-year old boy who weighed about 100 pounds--of sheer muscle--and was covered with tattoos. his mother sat at the front of the boat, where she pushed us occasionally with a long stick, and mocked her son. we only hit the bank once during the whole trip, which i thought was pretty impressive. the kid maneuvered us through little rapids, giant sticks, rotting trunks, through a long brown river. it was only when i checked my watch to see what time it was that it occurred to me. watch. attached to an arm. found inside a crocodile. at the kuching museum. CROCODILES! ACK! i kept my hands inside the boat for the rest of the trip, as if that would help.

we got to the longhouse after about 45 minutes of feeling like some kind of crocodile dundee in malaysia. there were about 15 little boys playing in the water outside the house, and our guesthouse was at the top of a hill overlooking the river. we had a kitchen attached to the house, and toilets, and a nice little porch overlooking the whole scene. we stood, watching the kids swim and waiting for rosli to find us a room, when the australians arrived. three of them, named bly, vicki and sarah gregory, from adelaide. now, i don't know about you, but when i am on vacation and new people arrive, i immediately feel better if they are aussie. and so it was here. they were all very friendly--vicki is a schoolteacher, and sarah is their daughter, studying to be a teacher as well.

we all watched tim playing soccer with the kids (in his jeans, no less!) when one of the local elders appeared, wearing what i can only describe as a diaper (joy, i know it isn't REALLY a diaper, but i don't know the real word). he came over and shook hands with me, sarah and vicki (who had just gone swimming) and when he said hello to me, he slapped me on the bum and cracked up. he then did the same to the other two girls. vicki said he must have thought we were grade A meat, and sarah said if anyone ever did that to her in a pub, she would punch them.

after the soccer ended, we had a cockfight demonstration with our boat driver and another young guy, which consisted mostly of the cocks trying to fight and the kids cracking up. then, we got to the blowpipe demonstration, which was my favorite part. the blowpipe is exactly what it sounds like--a long pipe with an arrow inside, which you blow on to shoot the arrow. let me tell you this, people. i am a blowpipe MASTER. if they ever make blowpiping an olympic sport (which i am going to recommend immediately), you are looking at the gold right here.

after the blowpiping, tim and i went for a swim (rather, tim went for a swim and when he came out, i was about to pass out, so i made him swim again with me to save me from crocs). while we were swimming, kids were sitting under the gutter pipe, showering in the rain, and there was just a whole lot of commotion.

we then dried off and had a most delicious dinner (of more food than the 5 of us could ever eat, even though we all tried and had seconds), with delicious eggplant, and some WILD FERN OF LOVE, and some chicken with chili. yummmmm.

after dinner, rosli came to tell us it was time to go to the longhouse. 'bring your cash with you,' he said. we thought it was weird of him to tell us then, but since we were leaving our stuff behind, we grabbed our wallets and went, thinking, AS IF anyone would steal from us out in the wilds of borneo!

the longhouse is exactly what it sounds like: a long house. the main room stretched along the entire length of the house, and the rest is divided into small rooms for each family, which is then subdivided into smaller cubes for each person. the main room, the living room, is basically empty but for straw mats for entertaining, and HUMAN SKULLS that hang from various points in the ceiling. the iban were headhunters until pretty recently, you see, and the skulls, a status symbol, are meant to protect them. apparently, the iban banded together with the malays or chinese, and the malays and chinese would take the gold, and the iban pirates would take the heads. rad!

when we got to the house, we all sat on the floor with some of the elders (including pervy diaper-elder)and one of them brought out the rice wine. rice-wine elder came through to meet us, with a different greeting for each of us. tim and bly got 'hello, sir,' vicki got 'hello, lady' and sarah and i got 'hello, baby!' we each got about a shot's worth and were told to drink it all at once, and then throw the glass on the floor. sarah and i were a little apprehensive, but it wasn't too bad. then he brought out the rice whisky, which smelled like petrol and tasted about the same (i am speculating here, OBVIOUSLY i have never tasted petrol). of course, the whiskey (65%, according to a guide) had a lot more in the glass. sarah couldn't drink hers (i gave mine to tim) so drunk elder took it and drank it, and then gave her a giant glass of rice wine. he then proceeded to proposition her repeatedly and make toasts to her, yelling 'kiss!' she would yell back, 'cheers!' vicki and i told her that she could be his sixth wife, and that bly would only demand two heads in exchange for her.

after the drinking, there was dancing. we had about 5 or 6 local dance demonstrations, with beautiful colorful clothes and almost xylophone music. it was all very beautiful, and at the time, i thought the whole experience was one of the best nights i had ever had. after the individual dancing ended, we were all invited up, and all of us danced around in a circle together, laughing and waving our arms around like freaks. and then...