blah bangkok

so it turns out, for all the hoopla about bangkok, it's a lot like the other cities we've seen on this trip. not too dirty, not too clean, lots of people, great transportation system (in part of the city, anyway). we didn't see any prostitutes or dirty thai massage shops or ANYTHING. man, what a disappointment!

we decided that we would be decidedly unmotivated in our room at the marriott. o, what sweet action was our room at the marriott! the hotel was beautiful and it had about 372138 restaurants, and our room was very big and had a nice tub and NO ROACHES or anything. and, even, a western toilet (you come to appreciate the little things here). our first day, we had breakfast at the hotel and then took the hotel boat to the other side of the river, where we got the skytrain to the emporium shopping center. that's right, i voluntarily went shopping. not because i wanted to buy things, but because i wanted to be around bright and shiny things, and BOOKS! so many books, and not even photocopied!! i spent a lot of time in the bookshop fondling a variety of tomes, until tim dragged me away (after he made out with the math books. nerd.). then, we went to see a MOVIE! in a real movie theater! in english! with candy! we saw flight plan, which was mediocre, but the experience was long-awaited. then, we went to dinner at an indian restaurant (somewhat disappointing after our banana leaf love and the gorgeousness in saigon), and then we went to bed. yay.

the next day, we decided to be motivated. so we went to breakfast, and then came back to the room where i promptly fell back asleep. oops. when i finally awoke, we ended up going into town to the grand palace, which was just like disneyland but more crowded and garish. after fighting our way through, we escaped and walked down the road to wat po. outside the wall to wat po, a man intercepted me. where was i trying to go? he asked. i pointed to the wall, and he told me it was closed. he then began a very animated explanation of where we should go instead, drawing in our book and jumping all around. suddenly, his friend came around the corner on a tuk-tuk. 'he will take you!' the man cried. oh no he won't, tim said. as we were walking away, the man shook his fist in fury at us!

of course, the stinking wat was totally open, and very lovely. it was much quieter than disney palace, and much less flashy. we walked around, past the kids playing soccer, and the other tourists and the funeral, and then went in to see the giant reclining buddha. it was a big buddha, i'll tell you what. and, on the way in, the guard gave me an apple! so nice! THAI PEOPLE LOVE ME!

after the wat, we decided to walk to khao san road to find this place that supposedly has the best massaman curry in thailand. of course, we got lost. so we ended up walking in circles around a neighborhood with no english signs, snarling at each other until we ended up in the right place. the massaman was GOOD, but we ended up screwing up our whole schedule. we had planned to eat early and then run over to the train station, get our tickets for the train to chiang mai, and then get back to the hotel in time for the loy krathong (i think) festival on the river. it took about17 hours to get to the train station, and when we got there, the A/C private cabins were all taken, so all they had left were top bunks in a 40-bunk room with fan. um, no. i'm paranoid enough about people stealing my crap on a train with 4 people in a room--no need to multiply it by 10!

so, back into a taxi and back to the hotel. except the traffic. was. not. moving. at. all. it took us almost an hour to get back to the hotel, when it should have taken maybe 15 minutes. at one point, we sat at a red light for literally FIVE MINUTES while the light just sat there, mocking me. our taxi driver was so annoyed he got out of the car to see what was going on! we finally got to the hotel, 75 mins. after the festival was supposed to start, and we went to the bar (even i needed a drink at that point). what we saw of the festival was nice--families going down to the river with ornate little floral decorations with candles in them, to ask for good luck in the new year and forgiveness of all their sins. the river was all full of shining little lotus baskets--very pretty. then, FIREWORKS AGAIN! from our porch, we could see them perfectly, and they was good. real good. my mother called soon after that, and then i decided to take a bath (note to self: don't try to get into a slippery bathtub while holding a newspaper). needless to say, i wiped out. the good news? i have a WICKED bruise on my right leg which takes up almost all of my thigh (which is saying a LOT, as most of you know).

the next day, lazy again. we checked out of our room at the last possible minute (i blame it on the fact that i was hobbling around on the bruise-thigh) and went to the shopping arcade for lunch. mcdonald's! mcdonald's in thailand has CHILLI SAUCE for french fries! it is even better than sweet and sour! then, back to the boat to go see jim thompson's house. jim thompson was one of the masterminds behind the thai silk empire, until he vanished in the 1960's, leaving behind a tremendous house filled with beautiful antiques and paintings. it was tremendous: a beautiful garden, all different little buildings, and wide teak floors. very pretty. the design students among you would have approved.

and then, it was hot. so? we went to see ANOTHER MOVIE! we saw proof, with tim's much loathed gwyneth paltrow. we both liked it, even tim, and agreed it is her best work. it was really very good--if you haven't seen it, i would recommend it. and then, we got some sushi for dinner at another shopping center, and then skytrained it back to the hotel in time for our night bus to chiang mai.

one sad story about bangkok: our taxi drivers were very nice the whole time in the city, and the one to the bus station was no exception. the hotel told us we would have to pay the meter and then the toll on the expressway, which was fine with us, since the station was waaaaaay across town. on the expressway, the driver suddenly started asking for money. tim gave him exact change for the toll. then he started saying, 'big money, big money' and repeating over and over that he had no money as he asked for 200 baht. we pretended not to understand what he was saying, thinking we were being scammed AGAIN. he would start the whole routine, and we would say we didn't understand, and he would hit his head and try to explain better. cute, we thought, but we're too smart for you, pal. after all, we have been in asia almost THREE months. we're wise to your ways. when we got to the bus station, tim tried to pay him with a big note. the driver has no cash, he says. yeah, right, thinks tim. 'can i get change from over there?' tim asks, annoyed as all frig with this guy. 'yes! yes!' cries the man, thrilled that we have finally understood him. HE WANTED THE BIG MONEY SO HE WOULD HAVE CHANGE FOR US! we are such bastards. asia has made us suspicious of everyone--even nice taxi drivers! needless to say, he got a pretty nice tip. and we still feel guilty.

shaken, not stirred

after a few days in siem reap, tim and i realized it was time to investigate our onward travel plans. unfortunately for us, onward travel = broken down old cambodian bus, because flights to bangkok were $150 EACH!! (+ $25 airport fee, those dirty thieves!) so, we asked the boy at our guesthouse about the guesthouse bus to bangkok. the boy, lihoung (who will tell you his name is 'not your business' if you ask and then collapse into giggles) said he could get us seats on the bus for $12 each. is it a good bus, we asked? 'it's not a bad bus,' he answered. for those of you who may not know this, when a cambodian tells you the bus isn't good but isn't bad, this means that by western standards it is completely useless.

our third day at the temples, we ran into elena, from our trip up the mekong. elena is a sweet spanish girl who almost completely redeemed her fellow spanish travelers in my mind. almost. she was with two other young spaniards who had just come from bangkok. they proceeded to tell us the horror story of their journey (complete with photos!): they had a nice bus to the border, and then were ushered onto a pickup truck on the cambodian side, without even a roof (thai pickups have rooves when they are used for transport) for 17 HOURS. tim and i blanched at the news, and ran back to the guesthouse to find out if we would be taking a bus or a truck. we asked not your business' father. 'is it a truck? we heard people take trucks to siem reap sometimes,' we said. NYB's father squirmed uncomfortably and pointed to a picture of a modern-looking, fairly large, bus on the wall. 'no, this.' satisfied, we booked two tickets and prayed for the best.

the next morning, we sat in the guesthouse with not your business, and he and tim talked about soccer. again. our bus was about 15 minutes late, and we were teasing him about when it would come. 'there is no bus, is there? you are using our money to buy football DVDs!' NYB would laugh hysterically. then, a pickup truck pulled up outside. i pointed to it and said, 'it's the bus!' NYB laughed even more hysterically just as a man came up and said, 'the bus is here.'

THANK GOD the bus was around the corner. and it was a bus and not a truck (though it was a glorified minivan bus with very tiny seats, no A/C to speak of, and tim and i had to sit above the wheel, all crunched up). the A/C worked until we got out of siem reap, at which point tim and i noticed that the frenchman in front of us stank of ripened cheese. maybe camembert, maybe a really ripe brie.

but still, the roads were ok. UNTIL about an hour into the journey when we suddenly hit a dirt road. being the optimist (read: fool) i am, i thought the dirt road was only temporary. WRONG. we were on the dirt road for FIVE HOURS. now, let me describe for you the dirt road. imagine the worst dirt road you have ever seen. it is red and dusty and dirt flies everywhere when you drive down it. at the same time, the A/C in your vehicle is no longer working, so it becomes necessary to open your window, thus getting all the dust all over you. the driver of your bus is desperately trying to avoid the potholes (of which there are many), so he drives back and forth across the dirt road, hitting only 1 out of every 3. 1 out of 3 sounds like good odds, but it means you still hit a pothole every 30 seconds or so, and your bus has no shocks. for some of you, this analogy will work better: picture being inside a martini shaker for 5 straight hours. fun, right?

again, the redeeming trait of the journey was the people on the side of the road. being kind of a whore for the smiles, i eventually made tim move away from the window so i could meet and greet the kids along the road. as always in cambodia, the kids were thrilled to see the bus, and even more thrilled when people waved (or even smiled) at them. kids on the backs of trucks, kids walking down the street, kids biking home for lunch, and kids in the rice paddy waters along the road all jumping around, waving like lunatics and yelling 'haaaaallo!' and there i am, doing my best princess diana, caked in red dust and sweat with my hair in pigtails, waving and smiling until i thought my face would crack.

after about five hours on the road, i saw it, shining like a friggin' beacon: PAVEMENT! about an hour later, we got to the border, and we went through cambodian customs, and then thai. at the thai border, we saw the irish girls (whom we had never seen in siem reap, but whom elena told us were leaving the day before). they caught up with us just before we boarded the minivan to take us to the big bus to bangkok. we couldn't talk long, but we did manage to confirm mags' email and discover her mother had forgotten her 25th birthday.

we got on the minibus, where i sat next to matt, who taught in red hook in brooklyn before setting off to find himself. also on the bus were the welsh kids from our hotel in hoi an. we were deposited at a roadside cafe, and had been sitting around (waiting for the bus to arrive, we thought) for about an hour when one of the welsh kids asked where the bus was. turns out it was right there the whole time! the driver had let us sit for all that time because they thought we were buying things. so, on we went to the BEAUTIFUL 21st century bus with air conditioning and soft, squishy seats, on to a PAVED road with MULTIPLE LANES and REAL FLASHING LIGHTS!

we arrived in bangkok at about 10pm. the cost of a ticket to bangkok on a dodgy cambodian bus: $12. the time spent on the journey: 14 hours. damage done to our spinal column along the way: incalculable.

more, from angkor

after phnom penh, tim and i got a bus (the mekong express) to siem reap. we had heard various horror stories about the journey, but it was fine in the end--we got some weird cambodian pastries and the roads were good. we went through village after village of neon green rice paddies and wooden houses on stilts, all of which were very beautiful. we stopped halfway in a town, and we bought some bananas and some pineapple. while we were standing outside the bus eating the pineapple, a little boy came by, begging. i gave him two bananas. he gave me a radiant smile and ate them immediately. another boy came by. same routine, same response. kids in cambodia are hungry, man, and they like bananas. we ended up giving the first boy the remains of our pineapple as well, and on our way onto the bus, we gave some money to a landmine victim with a fake leg and a blind baby. i know we said we weren't going to give anyone any more money, but sometimes you have to make exceptions.

when we got to siem reap, i got off the bus and was immediately in a scrum of tuk-tuk drivers. no joke--about 30 men surrounded us and tried to take our bags to their tuk-tuks, and would only back off when the policemen with whistles and sticks kicked in. tim went with the guy with the sign for the guesthouse we wanted, and pissed a bunch of the rest off. there was room for us at the guesthouse, but our tuktuk driver seemed to think he would be driving us to angkor the next day. tim told him no and paid him for the ride. i think it's normal for you to go with the driver from the station, but we didn't know, which was great because we ended up going with theary, the guy from our guesthouse, who is the sweetest, most gentle man. he told us he was a tuktuk driver when we arrived, and the next morning, when we asked him to drive us, i have never seen anyone as happy. he was the best driver ever, as well, and we just loved him. if any of you go to siem reap, i will give you his number. he is the greatest!

tim and i loved siem reap. i think it was the best destination (apart from sa pa) on this entire trip. tim thinks so too. it was in siem reap that i fell in love with cambodia and with the children (who for me, were just as good as the temples). let me be clear: siem reap itself isn't too pretty--it's sort of like a town from the old west, with all one-story buildings and dusty roads. also, there are dozens of children and women and men with missing limbs begging in the streets. i have never seen poverty like that in my life. there are families who sleep on the sidewalk at night. on our block alone, we had a family of 4 (one mother, 3 kids) sleeping on a mat on the corner, and a man with a whole mossie net/mat setup right by the hotel.

the temples are amazing. easily the most tremendous thing i have ever seen (man-made, anyway). we started at angkor (in the scorching sun) which is simply spectacular. we climbed to the top and walked all around. it's hard to envision it being lost in the jungle, but once you see the other temples, it's easier to imagine. and it's perfectly clear why it is the cambodian national emblem. from there, we went on to the bayon, which is a pretty massive complex itself. the temple is full of 51 towers with 4 faces each. inside the temple, there is also a very aggressive little buddhist nun who grabbed us, thrust some incense in our hands, made us pray with her and then made us pay. it was kind of a neat experience, but she was surprisingly sassy. outside the temple, we were trying to get to the terrace of elephants when we were approached by a cambodian kid who just started directing us around and giving us information about the temples. it was good he came along when he did, but we knew we were going to have to pay in the end. he told us his story: his parents were killed by the khmer rouge and he had only his sister, who was killed by a landmine. now he is in school, living with his friend and the monks. he told us he was in his early 20's (i forget exactly), which means his parents would have died when cthe khmer rouge was fighting vietnam. but can you question it? no. at the end, he told us he couldn't go any further and asked us for thai baht. we didn't have any, so he told us he wanted $5 each. (he had taken us for about 15 mins and we were paying theary $10 a day). we gave him $6. that night, we went to watch the sunset with everyone else in siem reap. it was beautiful, but there were clouds which meant the sunset itself was obscured. oh, well.

we liked angkor so much that the second day we got up BEFORE SUNRISE (please, let me repeat: TIM AND I WERE AWAKE, VOLUNTARILY, BEFORE THE SUN) to watch it rise over angkor. it took ages, but i think it was worth it in the end. afterwards, we had breakfast nearby, which was uneventful except for the fact that I TOUCHED A DOG! hooray! after 2 months of dog-free life, a dog loved me and jumped in my lap. and he didn't even chew on me! yay for the dog love!

after that, we decided to have theary take us to the faraway temple and a waterfall in the jungle, about 35k from town. this was the best day ever. the ride to the waterfall was amazing--so many kids and parents along the road, waving and smiling at us. and the scenery was stunning. i have never seen green like that in my life. tim and i took about 4394372 pictures before we figured out how to get them right, but we still have some good ones. the waterfall was at the end of a half-hour hike through the jungle, and was so pristine and quiet. a polish woman was there and she told us to walk along the river to see the carvings, so we did. when we got to the top of the waterfall, there was a man there who started pointing them out to us. he showed us vishnu, and the 1000 linga, and a frog and all kinds of carvings we never would have seen on our own. when he was done, we expected him to ask for money, but he didn't. tim gave him $2 and he was very pleased. it turns out he works there, so he probably shouldn't have shown us around, but thank goodness he did! and he was one of the first people we saw who asked for nothing. bless him.

then we went to banteay srei, the faraway temple. i think this one was my favorite. it looks like a big pile of bricks from a distance, but when you get up close, it has the most ornate carvings i have ever seen! after that, theary took us back to town for lunch. the next day, we went to see the smaller temples, and ta phrom. ta phrom is where tomb raider was filmed (which means nothing to me because i never saw it), and the whole complex is covered with giant trees and their roots. it's pretty amazing, and it's the place where you get the best idea of how these places could have been hidden in the jungle for so long.

the temples were completely magnificent, but i think the thing which has stuck with me most about cambodia is the people. from the boy at our guesthouse, who befriended tim over football talk (who goes to private school and is fluent in english) to the kids begging on the street, to theary, the people were just beautiful. we stopped giving the kids money in siem reap and started giving them bananas and pencils, which worked for the most part (it worked best at the temples, when the kids selling stuff would be so pleased to get a present that they would just beam at us).

we had one ugly altercation with some local kids who wanted more than we were going to give them, and it ended up with one girl following us around town telling me "f*ck you, f*ck your mother, f*ck your father, f*ck your dog". she was angry because we had bought baby formula for some of the kids with babies and we were going to buy her fruit. she wanted shoes instead. but there was another day when tim gave me some money and he went to do a photo cd. i ended up using most of the money for food for kids. there was one beautiful little girl with a baby named mom (the girl's name was ray-something) and i bought her some formula and a giant orange, and she was just so happy. of course, once people saw me with her, they all wanted something, so i ended up buying some other kids some food, and then giving some money to a man with one leg and a woman with a baby in leg splints. but again, they were so grateful, as most of the people were. just for a friggin' banana.

it's hard to say how i feel about cambodia. i think the best way i can explain it is that it stole my heart and broke it at the same time. the country is enormously beautiful, but you can't really explore it because of the landmines. the people seem to have survived the khmer rouge and are trying to look ahead, but the poverty is still pretty devastating. and it's a nation of paradox--you see lexus SUVs all over the place, and then you have a family sleeping on the curb. one night, tim had a man with stumps for arms following him down the street, whacking him with his arms. another night, we saw a little girl no older than 2, carrying around an infant. the country used to have one of the greatest kingdoms in the world, and now it's been reduced to poverty and landmines and the simple survival of the khmer rouge. it's awful, and so sad, and yet the people are so beautiful that you just have to believe if they have gotten this far, they will keep on going.

death is everywhere, or, people suck part II

tim and i awoke totally exhausted in phnom penh, but tim made me get up anyway and go get breakfast (which we thought was included in the room price). two slices of toast and an orange juice later, i was fed and ready to go. WAIT! breakfast ISN'T included in the room price, and we owe $28! crap.

we decided to begin our trip to cambodia on a happy note--by visiting the tuol sleng museum, otherwise known as S-21 prison, otherwise known as the genocide museum. most of you know that between 1975 and 1979, pol pot and the khmer rouge took over cambodia in an attempt to create an entirely agrarian society, by beginning again in "year zero". (if you know all this already, move ahead.) in their attempts, they managed to kill off 2 MILLION cambodians (let me repeat that again: 2 MILLION, or two maines, or a brooklyn, or some other equally horrifying number) in a variety of hideous ways: shooting them, beating them with bamboo sticks or spades, or shooting them, or, in the most shocking of all, bashing children and babies against trees so as not to waste precious bullets.

back to tuol sleng. it is widely known that there are two must-see memorials in phnom penh: the tuol sleng museum and the killing fields (where 3,000 people were killed and left in mass graves). we decided to start with the prison. S-21 is where 20,000 cambodians were imprisoned (according to our guide) and only 7 survived. they were kept in tiny cells, with shackles on their ankles. most of the cells had no light, and they had no toilet facilities. the prison, which had been a high school before the evacuation of phnom penh, also had a gallows (formerly for gymnastics) and a bunch of mass graves in the back. the whole place was pretty horrific--we began with the graves of the last 15 prisoners to be killed there, moved on to the cells where the 15 people were found (with pictures to commemorate their gruesome deaths, which i shall not go into here), went on to a section with the photos of the khmer soldiers/cooks/guards who worked there, and then photo after photo of the prisoners, who most certainly all died. from there, we saw the cells, and then moved on to a section devoted to the history of the khmer rouge. our guide was a lady in her mid-50's, and in the last section, she pointed to a map of cambodia which had the routes by which everyone left phnom penh. completely expressionless, she showed us the route that her family used to flee the city. her little sister (5 years old) died somewhere outside of phnom penh. then, in their first destination (near the vietnamese border), her 6-month old baby and father died of starvation. then, one brother and an uncle died at their second destination. another brother and his wife were killed at the killing fields. her husband, a pilot, was beaten to death with bamboo, she told us as she pointed to a painting depicting the same act. she was the only one to survive. she was sent to the rice fields, and, being mid-to-upper class, she had no farming skills, and she had to work very hard just to survive.

these stories are everywhere in cambodia. if you ask practically anyone over about 30, they will tell you this story first hand. if you ask younger people, they will tell you these stories about their grandparents, parents, sisters, brothers. it's impossible to even contemplate.

in the museum, we ran into the irish girls from the bus. we walked back through the museum without our guide, and talked to elinor and catriona. then, we watched a movie about a cambodian couple who was separated and then killed by the khmer rouge. exhausted, overwhelmed and depressed, tim and catriona and i went across the street to a lovely cafe for lunch. the other two joined us, and we spent a lovely 3 hours in the cafe, out of the rain, talking about things that had nothing to do with genocide (like katie holmes and tom cruise: who are they kidding?). we had some beautiful sandwiches and bored tim out of his mind with girl talk. then, we went back to their hostel to see if we could book a bus to the killing fields for the next day. no. so, tim and i walked across town, back to our hotel in the dark. phnom penh is an interesting city--very modern and clean, but at night it seemed a lot more sinister. we stopped for some "dinner" (from a gas station--hooray for processed food!) and then bought some oranges (to counteract the pringles) and went home to sleep.

except i couldn't sleep. i stayed awake most of the night thinking about all those poor people and what even the survivors have been through. (tim, of course slept like a baby--insensitive creep!) and then, the next day, it was on to the killing fields! we got a taxi from the hotel, and as soon as we were out of the car, we were mobbed by children "lady, want picture? 1, 2, 3, smile!" we told them maybe when we got back, and we went in. despite the fact that so many people were slaughtered there, the killing fields are remarkably peaceful and serene, and even beautiful. they are out in the middle of green rice paddies, with flowers and trees and an inordinate number of butterflies. as you walk in, you are faced with a giant tower. as you get closer, you realize the tower is full of skulls. from the mass graves. row upon row of skulls. and as you walk around the grounds, you pass signs that say things like "mass grave. 1,576 bodies" next to a remarkably small hole. most of the butterflies are around the mass graves, which seems appropriate.

of course, there was drama at the killing fields. we were approached by a bunch of kids inside "1,2,3 smile!" and i said i would take their picture, knowing they would want money. so, i took the picture and then tim tried to give them the money. suddenly, another 5 kids appear and tim is surrounded. he tried to give the money to the head girl, but another (unbelievably cute) kid snatched it and ran away. cue the group tears. the first group of kids start wailing and telling us that they are so poor and the other kids don't go to school and they need money. so we gave them more money. it was at that point that we decided not to give anyone any more money in cambodia.

after the killing fields, we had our driver take us to the wat phnom, which was where we saw our first landmine victims (men with no arms or legs, sitting on the stairs to the wat, begging). the wat was nice, and then we had our driver take us to the national museum. upon arrival at the museum, we were immediately surrounded by a bunch more landmine victims selling books, but we went down the street to the friends cafe, which is an NGO supporting street kids in phnom penh. after lunch and visiting the store, we went to the museum, which was very lovely indeed. the best part is the garden in the middle, which is full of monks (smoking! am i wrong, or should monks not smoke?!) and other tourists. on our way out, we ran into the irish girls again. mags had just been to the palace, but she couldn't get all the way in because someone was visiting. it was the thai king, we told her-- our taxi driver told us! we said goodbye to the girls and went to the palace ourselves.

by the time we got there, we couldn't get in at all, but it was obvious there was some kind of state visit. we took some pictures of the palace (and of an elephant in the street!) and then got a tuk-tuk home to the hotel. in the tuk-tuk, our driver kept asking if the president was paying for our room at the intercontinental. no, crazy man...but suddenly, when we got to the intercontinental and went to the newly established metal detector, it became clear. the president (not the king) was staying in OUR HOTEL! now, just so you know, this is the second time we have stayed in the same hotel as important heads of state--a dutch prince was in our hotel in hanoi. anyway, we have now realized that it must have been the thai PM, because there is no thai president, but that's beside the point. the point is that we went to dinner in the hotel restaurant (tim was to grumpy to go anywhere else) and THE SECRET SERVICE WAS THERE! yes, we dined with the thai secret service, and despite the fact that i kept saying 'there's nothing i wouldn't do for the thai president', they didn't even shoot me. (of course, there isn't a thai president, so they probably just thought i was on leave from the hospital.)

also, it was cambodian independence day, so there were FIREWORKS! i love me some fireworks, and since we were on the 9th floor, we got to see it all from our window. it was some kind of fancy, let me tell you. it almost distracted me from all the death we had been seeing. almost.

delta ADVENTURE, indeed

so tim and i thought it sounded like a great old idea to get a boat up the mekong from saigon to phnom penh. sounds good, right? so we went to a budget travel company in saigon called delta adventure, booked two trips on the FAST boat for $30 each and came home very pleased with ourselves.

we should have known something was up the minute we got there. first of all, they seemed to have trips of varying lengths going to the mekong, and they had no idea which bus to put people on. bad sign #1. after being sent to one bus and waiting, we were finally put on another minibus with a bunch of other people. there were some canadians sitting behind us, a quiet boy (of irish/british descent, i guessed) sitting next to us, and three girls in the back. and then, it happened. AMERICANS got on the bus. now, i don't know about you, but i hate american tourists. i shouldn't say that, being american, and i know it's wrong to generalize, but hey--i generalize about everyone else, so why should americans be exempt from my judgment? in my experience (and most other people's), americans are loud, pushy, and generally, pretty ignorant. the girls who got on our bus fit the description perfectly. the head girl looked like nicole ritchie's less smart twin sister, and her friend looked ok, but spent most of the ride making loud pronouncements about various things, mostly things she learned in university, but some things she clearly had no idea about. the two girls, from san diego, were accompanied by two swedes: silent swede, who sat with nicole's sidekick, and the swedish tad hamilton, who spent most of the ride groping nicole. for the three of you who just got the tad hamilton crack, let me just say IT WAS ON IN OUR HOTEL ROOM, and besides, i love topher grace. i ain't gotta apologize for that!

anyway, the ride started off ok, apart from the sidekick's running commentary and nicole and tad practically mounting each other in the front seat. we were supposed to get the bus to can tho, home of the famous floating markets, and then have lunch. then we were supposed to get back on the bus for a while, and then get on a bus to chau doc, where we would spent the night before getting another bus/boat combo to phnom penh. still sounds ok, right? before getting to can tho, we had to stop and get a ferry across the river, where we spoke to the quiet boy, francis, from wexford. we got to can tho, expecting to see the floating markets (as not explicitly advertised to us, but as promised to others) and instead were told to eat as fast as we could before we got back on the bus. so tim and i sat with the canadians, who are on an 8 month tour of hawaii, SE asia, india and peru. in hawaii, they got some kind of weird disease that causes their lungs to freak out, so they were having a great old time. it may be said that while friendly enough, the canadians were intense (or at least the girl, who is a yoga teacher, and is the only person i have ever met to physically turn her back on a street vendor [and in the process, fall over and then yell at the vendor] was pretty serious. the boy was very laid back, apart from the lung disease).

after we our lunch sprint, we got back on the bus--WITH FRIENDS! we were joined by 7 more people for our trip to chau doc! hooray! there is nothing more fun than putting 21 people and their luggage on a bus with 14 real seats (the others sat on weird foldy things)!! yoga girl's head almost flew off, i tell you. so, it was a long 3 hours in the clown bus.

finally, we arrived at the boat dock. a lovely, two-story boat was awaiting us, with beautiful plastic seats on the top deck. we ran to it and sat watching the shore for the next 2 hours, talking to francis. francis was traveling alone, because his friend's girlfriend made him go home, only to dump him upon arrival. if francis runs into that girl at christmas, he'll have her eyes, so look out! he'd spent a year in australia and was traveling around asia for another few months before going home for christmas. we loved francis, though between the roar of the boat and my inner ear and his wexord accent, we had some communication problems. but, there were no communication problems with the people on the shores of the river. families were bathing, people were going about their daily chores, and they would all come running when they saw our boat. you would think they'd get bored of constantly waving to foreigners, but apparently it never gets old, which is good, because it was pretty damn charming.

at 6.00 (11 hours after departure), we arrived at chau doc. for some reason, we stood for ages in the street with our bags. why? the bus hadn't arrived yet, of course! after about half an hour in the rain with 40-pound bags, we got BACK on the bus and went to the hotel. ah, the hotel. what a moldy moldtrap it was! it looked nice from outside, but our room's A/C was broken and they only gave us a bottom sheet and a skanky blanket. it was a sleeping sheet night for us--thank you, LL bean!

we ate dinner in the restaurant, which was basically an outdoor atrium, but i got fed up when my food kept being infested with the mites flying around. the canadians came to sit with us, and informed us that they couldn't sleep in their room and would be camping out on the restaurant floor that night. dear god. i can't decide if it was better or worse than our room!

finally, we went to sleep (or tim did--i spent all night thrashing around) and woke up again at 6am for breakfast. at breakfast, while chomping on our bread with jam, we were informed that there is no fast boat because "the propeller is broken," which in vietnamese means "only two of you booked the fast boat and there is no way we're running it for you two losers so suck it up and take the slow boat". so, slow boat it was. at least we got a $10 refund!

and then it was off to the boats. we all climbed into rowboats (all propelled by tiny little women) and took off for our "tour" of the floating fishing village and the cham village. the tour consisted of the women rowing us through the village (nice enough) and then us being brought into a house and looking at a hole in the floor full of fish, and then being put back into the rowboats and dropped off at the cham village. at the cham village, we walked down the road and were mobbed by cham children, who all wanted pens. i gave them all the pencils i had stolen from the hotels and we went on our way. then, back on the rowboats to the slow boat!

o god, the slow boat. each time we got on a new boat, it got smaller by half (with the exception of the rowboats). the second boat was only one level, with wooden benches. it was a looooooong 4 hours. at the border, we were given some food, which was ok, and then sent through vietnamese immigration. then, we had to walk across the border and get on ANOTHER boat (half as small again) to go to cambodia. now, at this point, we had about 20 people and all their baggage. we then had to go through cambodian immigration, at which point the three irish girls had some trouble. you see, when catriona and elinor were in peru, their passports were stolen, forcing them to get temporary passports. under normal circumstances, this would probably be fine, but they are traveling for 8 months, and temp passports only have 5 pages. the girls had two spots left open for stamps, and they needed 4. this was quite a pickle for the cambodian authorities, who kept the two girls in there for about 45 minutes so that they could write a note saying it was their idea not to get stamped coming into the country. while they waited, tim and i befriended mags, the third irish girl. all 3 girls are from the same town in laoire, but they never met until university.

once all three girls cleared customs at about 2, it was back on the slow boat for us. now, keep in mind that VIETNAMESE people had to bend over to get onto this boat. mmm, spacious! they sure aren't kidding when they call it the slow boat. we were supposed to get to phnom penh at 4--we arrived at 6. the good thing was that the cambodian coastline along the mekong is truly beautiful--very quiet and green, with fields and trees everywhere, instead of houses cluttering it up. and, WE GOT FIREWORKS! we passed one house where an entire family was waiting, and calling, and waving, and they set off firecrackers for us! now THAT's a welcome.

FINALLY, we got to the shore and de-boated. then, back on a bus. on a road. with lots of bumps. and when i say lots, try to imagine bumps with small bits of road thrown in. for an hour and a half. and when you picture it, imagine me sitting in the back seat with the irish girls, with 3478597348927 bags above our heads, precariously leaning at best, about to decapitate us at worst. ROCKIN' GOOD TIME!

eventually we got to the hotel where they dumped us in phnom penh, and everyone but us stayed there (because we're so fancy, we stayed somewhere else). that meant we had to get a $4 taxi to our hotel. the $4 taxi was the first hotel's minibus, on which the back door did not open. so tim and i sat in the front with the driver, and another guy climbed in the back to talk to us. the two cambodian guys were hilarious, though. they asked where we were from, and when i asked where they were from, they said CAMBODIA! and rolled around laughing. they were pretty funny.

and then, we got to the hotel. praise jesus. we went up to our room, bathed, ate some dinner in the overly expensive restaurant and then passed the frig out, exhausted by our delta adventure.

saigon surprise

the surprise about saigon (for me, anyway) was that it was actually a lovely city. i had been expecting lots of dirt, begging, pushiness and ridiculous crowds, and we got none but the begging. we arrived at the airport, and had another quintessential vietnam moment with our taxi driver. we walk up to the taxi, see it says 'meter' and get in. the taxi driver asks where we're going and pretends not to know where it is. he drives around the corner and stops the car and then tells us he's not going to use the meter and we will pay him $7. in my first assertive move since arriving in hanoi, i open the door of the taxi and startto walk out. he then turns on the meter, but tells us we have to pay him $5. i am pretty sure he drove around the city until he hit $5, but that's what it ended up costing. sneaky little bastard...

the hotel, on the other hand, was lovely, right on nguyen hue blvd, which looks a little like the champs elysees. so pretty! and the city--beautiful! they even have CROSSWALKS! despite the fact that hanoi is called the paris of asia, i think saigon was much more parisian. at least in our neighborhood. it has wide streets with trees and parks, and it's all very clean. o, clean, how i have missed you! the people seem very laid back, and the drivers aren't completely insane...

and, most importantly, they had western food. tim and i porked out in saigon, and ate only one vietnamese meal. we had some kind of western krap (sitting next to a guy wearing a team usa shirt--o gawd), a british pub meal where i got a goat cheese salad (o, glorious goat cheese, how i worship at your altar of love!), a vegetarian meal (i had a bean burrito! o, bean burrito, my not-at-all-clandestine lover!), an indian feast (which tim deemed the best food we had in all of vietnam), an italian meal, and finally, on our last night, a vietnamese meal at a beautiful little place around the corner from our hotel.

the problem with saigon is that you do see more poverty than in the other tourist hubs. we saw quite a few landmine victims (including one man in a wheelchair without any limbs at all. none.) and in the backpacker neighborhood, we saw some kids begging, but they didn't seem too aggressive about it. in all, there wasn't much begging at all in vietnam, which surprised both of us.

another problem is that there are lots of americans. saigon seemed to be the middle-aged tour bus capital of the world. i don't know if they were american soldiers returning, or what, but they were everywhere and they were LOUD. for example, i was trying to take a pic of the people's committee building, and there were some tourists standing in front of the statue of uncle ho. to be fair, they were standing there for ages and they kept swapping places to get different shots of themselves. i was patiently waiting until an american guy came up next to me and started complaining and then started YELLING at them to get out of the way. another guy came up and joined him, and when they got the two women to move, they then started in on another group of people standing in the periphery. ah, america. how proud i am to be your child! there are so many americans in saigon that the local kids speak english with american accents. "madame, ya wanna postcard?"

in other news, we went to the war remnants museum, which was an emotional experience. the museum starts out with a bunch of pictures by kids about war and peace. all i will say is this: either adults painted those pictures, or vietnam has the best elementary art program on earth. the rest of the main museum is a catalogue of atrocities committed by the americans in the war. american soldiers holding a dismembered vietnamese soldier's torso, a section on agent orange with photos of kids with down syndrome and various other physical and mental defects (including photos of a boy who looked like he was missing a spine), and the crowning glory: two jars with agent orange-infected fetuses. there were two babies in one jar (i didn't get close enough to see if they were conjoined or not) and another one that looked like it had down syndrome. in the napalm section, they had the photo of kim phuc running down the street after she had been bombed. no mention of how she was bombed by SOUTH VIETNAMESE soldiers, though. for some reason, i was really annoyed by that. yes, war is hideous. yes, american soldiers did some completely inhumane things, but don't pretend that they did things that you did, you jerks. the second half of the museum was a section called requiem, and was a collection of photos by photographers who died in the war. it was very touching, but the room was tiny and had about 2 fans, and there were about 40,000 people in there. the whole experience was pretty wrenching, and i lost it in the yard when a man with one leg asked tim to buy books.

if you are morbidly depressed by the war remnants museum, have no fear! entertainment is near! so, remember the squirty eyeball from halong bay? GET READY FOR SQUIRTY EYEBALL, PART 2! our first day in saigon, i was a little dizzy, so when we woke up in the morning, i ate breakfast and went back to sleep. that afternoon, i took another nap because i was feeling cloudy-headed. the next morning, it was even worse. what does perfect husband say? "eh, don't worry about it. you're probably fine. if you go to the doctor and say you're dizzy, he's just going to laugh at you." so i continue on, suffering in silence, and manically popping advil in the hope that i will just grow a new head. by the THIRD morning (when we were supposed to tour the cu chi tunnels), i managed to get to the bathroom, but it took me about 10 minutes to get one trouser leg on. suddenly, perfect husband sees the problem. i am walking like someone who spent 36 hours straight at the bar in gepetto's (only about 1/4 of you will understand that, but those who do will know exactly what i am talking about). so i go back to bed again, and when i wake up, tim agrees to go to the doctor (and you people STILL don't believe he's trying to kill me?). so, we get to the SOS clinic of love, and we get to see the nurse, who is this hilarious guy who's in love with nyc and whose brother lives in brooklyn. hooray! then, we get to see my one true love: the angelic dr. hieu. dr. hieu takes a look at me and diagnoses me with an inner ear infection brought on by an abusive and neglectful husband who made me swim in dirty water. (ok, only part of that is true, but you see what's happening here.) then, he gives me a prescription for DRUGS! man, i love drugs. sweet prednisone of love, how you cured my ear infection and made me walk straight again! so, we talk to the beautiful pharmacist who tells us about her childhood in hue, and gives me some pills (which were decidedly more expensive than the $1 codeine, but what the hell). and then, we go back to the hotel and watch HBO. so for now, i am alive, but stay tuned for the next violent attempt on my life!

just say no (to everyone)

our journey to hoi an began at the hue train station, where a local boy came over to take our picture (quite a change from the norm, for once!). i'm not sure if he was taking a photo of tim's hair or my nose, but either way it was pretty cute. the train trip to hoi an, said to be the most beautiful in vietnam, was obscured by all the locals on the train who clearly didn't care at all about the view and proceeded to SLEEP WITH THEIR CURTAINS SHUT right through it! of course tim and i were on the wrong side of the train, so i had to lean waaaaaaaaaay over and crane my neck around to see anything. from what i saw though, nice! it looked like the french riviera!

we got to the town, and checked into our hotel (which seemed nice at first but soon revealed itself to be not only damp, but musty and roach- infested, so we switched to a more expensive room for $12! so spendy!) about 150 feet down the road, it happened. a beautiful woman on a bike road up. "hello, where you from?" allie the sucker proceeds to talk to her (she was so pretty! i was mesmerized!). "i have a shop in the market, you will come see?" by the end of the conversation, she was holding my hand and telling me how glad she was that i was her friend. damn, these people are GOOD. anyway, thinking i am really slick for getting rid of her (we said we would check out her store later), we contiunued on our way. we went into the ancient town (beautiful, lots of old chinese trading buildings on very narrow streets which for the first few days were flooded) and ate at a cafe that served the BEST croque monsieurs i have ever had. hands down, bar none.

we almost got in a fistfight with the table full of OBNOXIOUS spanish tourists (i hereby declare spanish tourists the nastiest, most humorless tourists of all) who took over a table and then made ridiculous demands of the waitress. "we all want ham and cheese sandwiches. no, wait! we all want ham and cheese sandwiches, but we all want them a different way!" IT'S A HAM AND CHEESE SANDWICH! stick it in your mouth and shut up! the lunch encounter ended with one of them screaming at us because tim laughed at their request for cappuccinos ("two VERY hot cappuccinos. no, wait. one VERY hot cappuccino and one the way you usually make it.") let me say this: my desire to go to spain is rapidly dwindling.

anyway, again, thinking we're really smart, tim and i are walking through the food market when BAM! beautiful girl grabs me. and this time, there was no escape. she took us to her stall in the market (apparently their MO is to grab people off the streets on their first day) and made me look through books and books of tailored clothes. i chose a few that i liked, and they measured me (i have never felt as amazonian in my life, with tiny vietnamese women breaking the industrial size tape measure) and then informed me it would be $60. oh, why, god?

basically, hoi an is a beautiful town full of tailors. everywhere you go, women come up to you, saying either "come look at my store" or "hello, where you from?" eventually, tim and i figured out that if we told them we had been in town for a while, they buggered off. it was exhausting. we have never said no thank you so much in our lives!

apart from getting suckered (again), we did have some good times in hoi an. we went to my son, a cham holy site that had the krap bombed out of it during the war (it was a VC hideout). a lot of it was completely destroyed, but some of it is still standing and you can imagine what it would be like in all its glory. we saw a lovely cham dance, and we got to ride up the hill in an old american army jeep. we also got a tour guide from tiger tours, who spent the majority of the trip yelling "TIIIIIIGERRRRRR!" to get our attention. the best part of the trip, however, was when we got ready to leave and we were all on the bus, which promptly got stuck in the mud. all the men had to get off to push it, and then we all got off. after about 20 minutes, they managed to get it out and we all piled back on only to have them get it REALLY stuck again! ah, vietnam...

we also did a cooking class at a local cafe, which was both entertaining AND informative! our cook, whose name i forget, was totally hilarious. here are some of his comic gems:
-handle the fish with two hands, like you would treat your lover.

-(to tim, who was preparing the fish): wrap it like a present in the leaf. have you wrapped present?
(tim, confused): have i been to prison?
(cook, horrified):NO, MAN, PRESENT! not prison! you scare me, man!

-(in response to a woman who tried the fish and said 'yum'): you cannot say yum in vietnam! you know why? in vietnam, yum means you are horny! yum is okay, but yum yum is scary! when we are in the market and we hear 'yum yum,' we are very scared! but after 10 beers, it is ok!!

-(holding a shriveled chinese mushroom): you know why we call this chinese mushroom? because it is a little bit ugly!

o gawd, he was hilarious. we ended up spending way too much time in hoi an (5 nights) and finally, when we were about to escape, A TYPHOON CAME! we got up in the morning and were about 10 minutes down the road to danang when the hotel called. the airport was closed. back to the hotel we went, to watch the hilarity that is international travel. some one told these young english girls that hoi an was being evacuated, so they promptly freaked out and called the EMBASSY, who asked how old they were, and, upon hearing that they were 21, told them to get a grip and hung up, which of course sent the girls into a tailspin. in case you were wondering, they are going to write to tony blair. the two girls spent most of the day standing by the front door of the hotel (the cable was out, so everyone was in the lobby), chain smoking and generally hyperventilating. the storm blew through really quickly (it was all over by about 5pm) and one of the girls ended up getting the night bus to nha trang (after a conversation with her mother in which her mom was watching sky news and saw that the storm surge was in nha trang and THE MOTHER ended up in tears.) dear god. english people....they wouldn't know real weather if it smacked them in the face! ;)

finally, the cable and internet came back on and tim and i escaped hoi an. 6 days, 748935389729798234 "no thank you"s, and 2 croque monsieurs (yes, i went back and there were no spaniards the second time!) later, we were en route to saigon. praise jesus.

hustled in hue

we're so sorry we haven't posted in so long, but since we got to hue, we have been lazy. make that lazy with a capital L and 6 As, so Laaaaaazy!

now, we will make up for it by giving you an example of a typical day in vietnam:

allie and tim wake up in hue, in their spotless (save for one giant roach in the throes of death in the bathroom) hotel room. the sun is finally out for the first time in days, so they think 'hey! let's take a boat trip down the perfume river to check out those temples we keep hearing about!' allie and tim then venture down to the harbor (or, as tim calls it, 'the lion's den') to wait to be propositioned by 5473957349 boat owners offering to take them down the river. sure enough, a bunch of them come flying out, offering varying deals. allie and tim ignore them and ask the woman at the tourist desk how much it will be, and she says for a full day trip down the river, 300,000 dong. tim and allie leave the desk to ponder the issue and are then accosted by tam, a boat owner. tam says he will take them for an hour trip for 80,000. allie and tim walk away. tam follows them, calling out different prices for different trips. allie and tim tell him they need time to consider the matter. tam says he will return in 10 minutes and leaves them time to ponder his whole day for 200,000 dong offer. he makes it clear that the offer does not include admission to the tombs, which they already knew.

10 minutes later, allie and tim are ensconced in two remarkably comfortable shrunken red plastic chairs on tam's boat, with his wife at the back, looking sullen. tam starts up the boat as though it's a lawn mower, and once it starts, it doesn't sound all that different. allie and tim sit, staring out at the river, for about 20 minutes until they reach the first pagoda, which is noteworthy for being the home pagoda to the first self-immolating monk. allie and tim go up to the pagoda, expecting to fork out 60,000 dong each, but are happily surprised when entry is free! they walk around, delirious with excitement at anything free in vietnam. they return to the boat, where tam tells them the two tombs are next.

tim and allie sit happily until tam's wife offers them a soda. AND THEN IT BEGINS. out of the corner of allie's eye, she sees the wife setting up a blanket: a sure sign that major selling is about to occur. sure enough, 2o seconds later, the wife is suddenly chirpy and is thrusting postcards in allie's face. "$1! $1! very cheap!" she cries. allie, the sucker, thinking that buying the postcards will end the onslaught, buys the postcards. allie is foolish. as soon as she has bought the postcards, wife unveils a very large collection of artwork. allie and tim buy some artwork. as soon as they have bought the artwork, wife whips out some scarves. allie and tim (surprisingly) say NO. wife then pulls out some jewelry. NO. wife then holds up some ao dai. NO. (what the hell is allie going to do with a vietnamese outfit in a size -17?) tim and allie, despite having been attacked by surprise two days in a row (the day prior, they were propositioned by a series of men selling paintings for disadvantaged children, and, just for themselves, and of course, the suckers fell for it), are feeling quite pleased with themselves for their restraint. after all, they haven't spent THAT much.

yeah, right, losers. tam lands the boat on the side of the river, with nothing but a muddy path in sight. he jumps out of the boat (he's pretty spry, being only about 5" tall) and helps allie and tim up the path. "now you go to tombs by motorbike," he tells them. a little confused, they continue up the path and try to ignore the woman inside the house they are passing, who is standing on her porch waving biscuits around and yelling "COOKIES? YOU WANT BUY COOKIES?" they get to the top of the hill and tam repeats the line about the motorbike and points to the two dudes standing there with bikes. tim and allie think "ok, we hadn't planned on riding motorbikes in this country where lunacy and complete recklessness rule the roads, but hey, what the hell?" the head motorbike dude then says "two tombs. $5 per person." excuse me, WHAT? $5 in vietnam will buy you a feast or about 100 paintings--maybe even a small child (although we haven't tried that one yet). $10 will probably buy you a house and a chauffeur! tim blandly tries to argue with the man, knowing he and allie are screwed and will have to fork over the money. tam hides in the background, looking uncomfortable and frightened that the giant american girl will kill him with her bare hands and eat him for dinner ( well, just as an appetizer, because he is only very tiny). finally, allie and tim acquiesce, and get on the stinking motorbikes, and tam runs for cover.

the good news is that motorbike riding is great and is the only way to travel (well, apart from the other ways, of course). the man driving tim doesn't speak english, but when he stops for gas, the gas attendant asks tim where he was from, and when tim says england, the man asks "do you speak vietnamese?" uh, no. english is actually the national language of england, mister. as tim's friend is refueling, allie's friend decides to take off without them. allie's driver speaks more english, and shouts out random phrases along the way, yelling mostly "TOMBS VERY BEAUTIFUL!" ya think? why do you think we are spending our life savings and risking life and limb to see them, man?

allie and tim finally arrive at the first tomb, which is indeed very beautiful. they fork over their 60,000 dong each (starting to feel very poor by this point) and wander around for the "TWENTY MINUTES!" they have been allotted. then, it's back on the bike for the journey to the second tomb. at the second tomb, they get 30 minutes, and they actually took a little too long.

something is funny when they get back on the bikes after the second tomb. allie tries to take a video of the road from the bike, and it comes out okay. however, her driver is acting weird. he keeps yelling 'GOOD DRIVER!!" and cracking up. allie assumes he is merely drunk, having spent half an hour in the cafe at the tomb, and she blithely agrees with him, praying that he doesn't run into a tree. at the same time, tim's driver is also yelling "good driver!" and laughing uproariously with allie's driver while talking about beer. tim and allie exchange glances, but hey, this is vietnam. weird stuff happens all the time.

they get back to their starting point, and the men immediately sit down at a table in the first cafe. a woman comes out with a tray full of food, and allie, too tired to argue, says she will buy the local snack, which is the cheapest thing on offer. suddenly, the woman starts saying "good drivers!" and pointing at the men. yeah, yeah, they're friggin' great, lady--give me my peanut stick and let me get on the road! then the men start patting the seats next to them, so allie and tim sit down. only THEN does it become apparent what the scheme is. they are supposed to buy the men BEER to reward them for not running into a tree! so, they do. the men smile widely and crack open their tiger beers, pleased as punch with their day's bounty.

thinking (don't even comment on how dumb allie and tim are) that they are done for the day, tim and allie walk down the path back to the boat when the owner of the second cafe comes flying out. "COCA-COLA?" no. "YOU SAID YOU WOULD BUY FROM ME WHEN YOU CAME BACK!" uh, no. "YOU BOUGHT FROM HER, YOU HAVE TO BUY FROM ME!" (please take note that "you buy from her, you buy from me" could well be and perhaps should be the national slogan of vietnam.) the woman starts to follow allie and tim down the road, thrusting various items in their faces. tim is visibly annoyed at this point, and says, no, no, no, no. with every no, the woman gets more upset until she looks as if her head is quite literally going to fly off of her head. thinking that the woman is either going to have a stroke or pull out an axe, allie makes tim buy a coke from her for the grand total of 75 cents. of course, the woman doesn't actually HAVE coke on her little tray, so they take a warm pineapple juice and hit the road.

when they get to the boat, they are so tired that they don't have the energy to kill tam and drive the boat back themselves, so they sit quietly, eating peanut stick and drinking warm pineapple juice and calculating the damage of what they have spent. the grand total? $40 and an unexpressable amount of energy.