a guy in pai (where i almost died!)

when we decided to leave mae hong son, we had two choices for a morning bus: 8am or 10 am. being the lazy bastards we are, we decided to go for the 10 am. babs at the guesthouse had told us that the 8am bus was another minivan, so we decided to be adventurous and go for the local bus (which takes almost twice as long). so, we showed up at the bus station, giant bags in hand (or on backs) and tried to figure out what to do. the local buses are basically big school buses painted in a charming shade of orange, with constantly open doors. there was a luggage rack on top, but no luggage on it. we walked over to the bus and tim went in the back door with the bags, thinking maybe we could leave the bags in the back and sit in the back row. as he did that, 10 little monks, all decked out in monk gear (bright orange robes) turned to look at him and he remembered that OH! the back row is monk seating. thus, we clambered onto the bus with all our gear (now totaling 5 bags--two giant backpacks, a booty bag full of presents, and two other bags just holding a variety of crap) and tried to fit it all into one seat.

HA. the seats on these buses are built for thai people (how inconsiderate!). that means that the seats are big enough for tim's skinny rear and maybe one of my giant thighs. and certainly not for two 40-pound bags. eventually the ticket guy took the giant bags and put them in the back row with the monks. and our journey began. now, let me explain about these buses. apart from the beautiful paint job and the open doors and the tiny seats, they also have no air conditioning! they have little fans nailed/glued/stapled to the ceiling and they run intermittently, in a sad attempt to cool down the bus. fortunately, we were in the north of thailand and not back in cambodia with a stinky frenchman sitting in front of us again, so it wasn't too big a hardship. what was worse was the fact that the bus only seemed to run at a maximum of about 40MPH, which meant that we lurched along the VERY twisty roads, with a lovely view of the mountains, and an even better view of the very steep, terrifyingly dangerous-looking cliffs that rested about 6 inches away from the left side of the bus. ah, there is nothing like a slow view of your potential death.

after about 4 1/2 hours, we arrived in pai and called the guesthouse where we were supposed to be staying. it's a good thing we did, because the last time our guisebook was updated was 2002, and many things have changed since then. including the location of our guesthouse. the owner of the guesthouse, a charming frenchman named guy (pronounced ghee, of course, car il est francais, bien sur!) answered and immediately came to pick us up at the bus station. sweet action! he popped us in the back of his truck and drove us a little way out of town to his little restaurant/guesthouse, made up of three little rooms, which looked like condos, all facing the mountains. when we arrived, he told us if we didn't like it, we didn't have to stay. so sweet! of course by this point, i had decided that i would stay no matter what, since he was such a nice man. and i was right. the room was immaculate, with a great big double bed, a little porch, and a giant, beautiful bathroom with hot water AND a western toilet. we had hit the mother lode. guy then drew us multiple bike routes around town, and told us the best restaurants and bars to visit, and then drove us back into town, before recommending another place to eat lunch. guy is a god. oh, and also? guy has a great big giant yellow lab named either buster or wooster. allie likes dogs she can play with!

pai is basically a sweet little town that has hit it big with dirty hippie tourists. it's a quiet little place in the middle of a little valley, with a river running through, and is full of restaurants and bars and coffee shops and internet shops. but not yet in an offensive i-want-to-get-out-of-here-before-i-am-attacked-by-a-billion-germans kind of way. more like a central american i-think-i-could-maybe-stay-here-for-a-while-and-eat-delicious-thai-food-and-do-yoga-and-be-far-away-but-still-speak-english kind of way. we had lunch at a restaurant called na's, which was absolutely delish. i had pad see ew, and tim had some kind of curry and the grand total of the meal was $4 with drinks. HOORAY THAILAND! we walked around town for a while and bought some postcards and then went back to the guesthouse, where we took HOT showers of love! o, hot water, you are so underrated in life!

for dinner, we decided to go to la terrasse, guy's restaurant at the guesthouse. it was perhaps not our most inspired decision. guy and his wife swan had owned a restaurant in pai for years, which was highly recommended in our book. of course, the book, having not been updated in almost 4 years, did not know that guy and his wife split up and the wife sold the restaurant to an englishman with a burmese cook and guy started a new restaurant, la terrasse. anyway, we went over for dinner, and i was desperate for a croque monsieur, thinking that HOORAY! it was a french restaurant--they will know how to make one! first, they brought me an omelette. when i tried to explain what i wanted, the poor girl got all confused and kept pointing at the omelette. finally, she understood that it's a SANDWICH, and she went back to the kitchen. meanwhile, tim is chomping away happily on his steak, and i am getting crustier by the second. finally, they bring me a croque--an asian croque. which means a cheese toastie. it actually wasn't bad, but i was a little unimpressed. tim thinks the restaurant (and the guesthouse) has just opened and that's why they don't know how to make everything on the menu yet. all i know is that the english-owned-french-restaurant-with-the-burmese-cook in town was sounding pretty damn good.

the next morning, we decided we would be ACTIVE TRAVELERS and rent bikes to ride around. the whole trip, we have been wanting to rent bikes, and something has always happened (usually rain) to stop us. guy had given us two bike routes, and since tim didn't want to rent a motorbike, we decided on bikes. old-school raleighs instead of the shiny new mountain bikes for rent, because mountain bike rental man was nowhere to be found. so, off we went on our 20K journey to the hot springs and the canyon. no problem, said guy, it's very flat. GUY LIED. about a half mile into the trip, i was remembering that I HATE BIKES. about a mile in, i hated bikes, the people who made them, the freeks who ride them actively, and everyone who ever thought about riding one. oh, and tim, for not just renting a motorbike like everyone else in thailand. i had visions of us riding along, through the valley, laughing and stopping to look at the view. instead, it was me grunting and trying to get up the hills, and then stopping to yell at tim.

eventually, we reached the hot springs, which was about halfway. at this point, i was walking like a cowboy and sweating like a hog (no one ever said this trip was romantic). we stopped for a while and played with a little thai girl in the water (she was about 6 and was splashing around like a little fish). and then, i made my colossal mistake: i listened to tim. he said we could either go back the way we came, or keep going. then he spewed forth some math theory designed to confuse my liberal arts brain about how we would be going down more than up, blah blah. TIM LIED. we knew there was a big hill just after the hot springs, so we walked up that. then, there was some beautific downhill cruising, but then, when i was hoping we would just keep rolling on downhill...A GIANT HILL! i think maybe bigger than the first one. at this point, thai people in trucks are driving by and waving (and laughing?) at us and i am ready to throw the bike in front of a truck and get a ride back into town. i think i walked part way up the second hill, having grunted my way up the first one, and by the end of the second hill, divorce was calling my name.

finally, we got to pai canyon, which meant we could get off the stinking bikes and look at pretty things. of course, it's hard to look at pretty things when sweat is pouring down your brow and obscuring your vision, but ssh. tim offered to take a picture of me and was almost pushed into the canyon, and then it was time again to get on the bikes. fortunately, from this point, it WAS all downhill (at which point old hill was triumphant, despite the fact that his theory was completely flawed). we swept downhill, and rode through the quiet part of town (which was quite lovely) and finally made it back to pai. in pai, we ate at another guy-recommended restaurant baan banjaran. OHMYGOD. it almost made up for the hellish torture that was the bike ride. we had a banana leaf salad and beautiful crispy gourds and it was absolutely delicious. of course, it then meant we had to ride our bikes back through town in the darkness, but it was completely worth it.

that night, we slept (well) and in the morning, we got a bus back to chiang mai, and i was crippled for days. people, take note. i have now voluntarily arisen before sunrise and ridden a bike for 20K. do you know what this means? get ready, kids--the end is near!