don't swim in the water!

ah, so we left for lovely halong bay in the early morning, and hopped on a minibus with 10 other people--all about 20 years older than we were (this is what happens when you book a fancy tour!). i sat next to a canadian woman who was very nice, but a little odd...she told me that australia is now on the list of banned countries for the canadian gvt. ok, lady. there was an aussie couple in front of us who was very talkative (soo-prise!): dennis and alison, from sydney. there were some more aussies behind us, and behind us even further. we also met tang, our tour guide. tang means VICTORY! and it appears to be the most popular vietnamese name for boys born in about 1975. hmm...every time we meet a tang, they say, "my name is tang. it means VICTORY!" and then explain they were born in 1975, as if we hadn't already guessed.

the ride went quickly, and we stopped along the way at some shop and studio for disabled vietnamese kids. we met a lovely guy there with a club foot, who was working in the ceramics studio. he was so sweet ("i'm not going to get married. i am very ugly.") that i insisted we buy stuff from him. i am such a sucker, but he was a really lovely man. the place was very nice, but it felt a little like a zoo, with all the tourists standing over the handicapped kids on sewing machines, etc.

from there, we went to halong bay and hopped on a little boat to take us to the JUNK. on the little boat, we were joined by even more raucous australians, but we lost the canadians. i was a little worried we would be stuck with these new aussies the whole time, but it turned out they got on another boat. good. our boat, the jewel of the bay, was way out in the water, and we happily climbed aboard. already on board was one couple, anya and stefan, who were our age and...well, german (i'll leave it at that), and an, our "customer service manager" who lives on the boat and gets days off only when there are no tourists, which is about once a month.

the other people on our boat were dennis and alison, the germans, patricia and fiona, and minot (sp?) and mouse, his wife. minot and mouse are dutch-australians who live in melbourne, patricia and fiona live somewhere near sydney, and the germans were from hamburg. anya, the head german, is a travel writer! she spoke maybe 15 words to other people the entire time, and i think all the words were about her. or her beliefs. or what she says is right. anya was a party all the time. stefan spoke about 15 words the whole time, mostly because he looked terrified of anya.

the boat was lovely (3 floors, with the rooms below, the dining room on the first floor and the top deck) and our rooms were very nice. the food, however, was unbelievable! the thighs were very happy--all seafood, and about 7 (small) courses for every meal. we sailed around for a while, between all the giant island cliffs, in the beautiful turquoise water (don't worry, it gets worse). after a few hours, we went to see some caves, which were mediocre, and minot almost killed himself walking through and dennis (who is 6'8") had an interesting time. it was in the cave, however, that tim discovered his newfound love for dennis, who is a former geography teacher-tour operator-wildlife photographer-tech consultant. basically, dennis is a hilarious walking encyclopedia and i think tim might have left me for him had alison not been on board. alison is a travel agent-student-french translator, so they were most interesting people. we spent most of our time with them the first night, after a rather hilarious kayaking expedition.

tim decided not to kayak, but i went with the 4 aussies and the germans. let it be said that only 3 of us knew how to kayak. i will allow you to guess which three. ok, it was me, alison and dennis. the other 4 completely ignored an when he told them about the RUDDER on their kayak, and the aussie women spent the entire time careening around in the wrong direction, screaming at each other. the germans spent the entire time CRASHING INTO ME, and then pushing me into an's kayak. i would get no apology, but would hear an earful of anya yelling at stefan. ah, love. (the next day, stefan did not kayak. gee, i wonder why.) the trip ended with the aussie women yelling at an, who finally told them to use the rudder. they told him they didn't know about the rudder (although patricia claimed to be an accomplished kayaker and fiona is a SKIPPER, for god's sake, though it can also be said she hates the water. ???)

dinner went well (though anya and the aussie women got tanked and started saying things to each other like " YOU GERMANS...") and we all went to bed. tim and i sat very close to dennis and alison and dennis taught me some cool tricks, like how to eat the legs off fried shrimp. DELISH!

in the morning, everyone left but me and tim, and dennis and alison. i don't want to say thank goodness, but thank goodness! it would have been nice if minot and mouse had stayed, because they were quite sweet and interesting (married for 50 years!), but they all left. and then we got to party it up!

now, let it be said that the beautiful turquoise waters, though lovely, were not so clean. as we kayaked around, juice boxes and other charming remnants from the fishing villages would float past. (note to self: when you are keenly aware the water is not very clean, DO NOT SWIM IN IT!) after the first day kayaking, we anchored in a little cove and we all went swimming. in yet ANOTHER homicide attempt by my darling husband, i was forced to jump off the boat. i survived (for the short term) and we all swam around until my hands were so pruny they could hardly move. after we swam, i noticed that tim's bath towel was covered in brown sludge, like he had used it to mop the floor. of course, i assumed it was because he is simply filthy, but it was from the WATER! (note to self: when you know the water is so dirty it turns a pristine white towel brown, DO NOT SWIM IN IT!)

on the second day, there was more kayaking and more swimming. in his final halong bay homicide attempt, tim made me DIVE off the boat. of course, later that night...HELLO SWIMMER'S EAR! my theory is that all the diesel from all the boats was stuck in there, but tim refutes my brilliant claim. i took some advil before bed and thought i was fine in the morning.

I WAS WRONG. initially, yes, the swimmer's ear went away and tim and i went on our last kayaking trip with dennis and alison (where we went through a cave full of bats, and all i could think of was dennis' "bats can nick you and give you rabies and you never even know because it's just a tiny cut but a year later you're DEAD" stories) and then, as usual, the 4 of us sat around in our kayaks and gabbed for ages, much to poor tang's dismay. after the kayaking, i started to feel a little funny. my head really hurt and i started to feel a little seasick. let me say this: i am from maine. i do not get seasick. ever. we had some lunch, and i think i freaked dennis out a little bit, because he suddenly switched from hilarious entertainer mode to dad mode. we made it off the boat, and onto the van, where i promptly passed out. by the time we dropped dennis and alison off in haiphong, i think i had really scared the hell out of them, and i was pretty convinced my right eyeball was going to squirt out of my head. we left them with plans to meet up in melbourne (his daughter lives there) or sydney (tim invited us to stay with them) and i hope we see them again, because they were great!

by the time i got back to hanoi, i had recovered, and i felt even better when we got me some $1 codeine and some kind of nose squirty guy. ah, codeine of love. we took some and then i passed the frig out on the train to hue, which is good because it's a 13 1/2 hour journey. to me, it passed so quickly on the upper bunk of love!

the moral of the story? if your new husband suggests diving into some lovely-looking but clearly foul water, DO NOT DO IT because you will end up with diesel running through your sinuses for days to come! ha, and you were all worried about avian flu!